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November 12, 2004


Honey, I'm on the plane ...

IF YOU thought being anywhere near a mobile phone being used on a train in the UK was bad, then take an internal flight in the US.

Although mobile - cell - phone use is still banned during flights, at least from the moment plane doors are closed until a few moments after landing, they are still as disruptive and intrusive as ever.

Boarding is delayed and then closing the doors takes longer than it should because the American of the species is so umbilicus dependent. Perhaps that's why so many there are against abortion - they've never developed the confidence to exist outside the womb!

Indeed, the need to belong is so great that they cannot even go to bed without wearing pyjamas or nightdresses bedecked with logos, decorations that Europeans loathe and detest.

US cellphone users are idiots like users everywhere; they walk around oblivious to others as they talk into microphones strapped to their ears.

'I'm on the plane' in the US has become as ubiquitous a saying as 'I'm on the train' has in the UK - and in both countries, it cannot be said quietly, it has to be shouted.

Users gesture inanely; they shriek; they let tears well up in their eyes - yet this will not, even when a plane's cabin crew has asked a second time for such 'electronic devices' to be turned off - end their conversations.

Yes, when the US is a land of big food, big people and big voices.

Confidentiality counts for nothing.

As a journalist, I heard details - probably highly valuable details - about major US corporations that were being openly discussed; so much for back office discretion, it's open airport broadcasting.

Although not named in the conversations, the firms' identities were clearly visible on the business cards pretentiously used as luggage labels on oversized carry-on carts.

Equally, I learned the gory gynaecological details of a mother's cancer, the indelicacies of a brother's prostate problems and it's not just in Lake Wobegon - take note, please, Mr Garrison Keillor - where the children are of above average intelligence; it's any place where there's a parent flying with a cellphone.

At least the UK's train operating companies have learned the benefits of phone-free zones.

Airbus, the European manufacturer who has supplied many US airlines - including United, America West and US Air - said in October 2004 that cell phones could be used safely on its planes.

So, Americans may not have long to wait before they get respite from the symptoms of anxiety associated with disconnection that become immediately visible as soon as an aircraft's doors are closed and cell phones have to be switched off.

The distress lasts until but a few seconds after landing. No sooner has a plane pulled off a runway than the phones are out and the calls being made. Even when the aircraft has reached the gate, the doors have opened and the stampede towards the front has begun, 'de-planing' is frequently delayed because passengers can't lift their bags from the overhead bins with one hand clamping their phones to their ears.

SouthWest - the budget airline with a reputation for its money-making short turn-round times - could be even more efficient, have better time-keeping and probably be even more profitable if its executives could find ways to keep phones switched off longer.

Perhaps they should demand that calls end before ticket stubs are checked at boarding and prohibit any calls before departing passengers have left the jetways and are well inside airport terminals.

The out-of-contact time would be longer - probably by no more than five or six minutes - but the level of distress would most likely be far too great a sacrifice.

Still, there is at least the inner peace that comes to those who have the maturity and patience to know that there is little, if anything, in this world that cannot wait - combined with the smug superiority of knowing that some of us are so important that we have people to deal with our cell phone calls for us.